There's this song on the latest Coldplay album called Fix You . It's so simple and affecting that it makes me want to cry every time I hear it.
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you canÂ’t replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try
To fix you....
Today, more than most days, that song resonated within me. Because today I saw my son's heart break.
I had this seen that this was going to happen in the last few weeks. Part of me hates myself right now for not doing anything, but, then part of me wasn't quite sure what to do. Let me explain.
Pretty much from the first week of school, Henry became really really close to this one kid named*Bn. To say there were inseparable would be putting it mildly. They bonded because they were pretty much the only kids who didn't go to Linscott Pre-school or didn't have an older sibling at Linscott already plus, they both loved Star Wars. They were constantly asking to have a playdate or go to lunch together. They were really really happy with each other. I'm not romantisizing this, they really were. I'd see them in circle and*Bn would put his arm around Henry. At recess they would go run around the playground just the two of them making up games. They made up a game called Castle Adventure with their own rules. They were in a world of their own. They were happy.
A few weeks ago, the teacher, Odile was talking to us at session and she talked about friendships. She warned me then, that things would change eventually. She said that Henry, being one of the younger kids in class just wasn't at the same emotional developmental level as*Bn. She didn't say it directly at me but, explained that kids friendships change at this age and that feelings will get hurt . Maybe I should have started to prepare Henry for the inevitable then. Maybe I should have told him to lay-off. I don't know... They were just so close and Henry is such a great kid I guess I was denial. I guess I didn't want to believe that anyone would not want to hang out with my Henry.
Well, for the last few days now, whenever I picked up Henry from school, Henry was quiet. I'd ask him if something was wrong and he'd say "no" so I didn't pry though, I knew deep down, there was something. Then, a few days ago, I noticed Henry desperately saying goodbye to his friend and*Bn just sort of ignoring him and looking away. Then today my fears came to full light
It was my regularly scheduled workday in the class room. It was recess and as usual Henry and*Bn were running around in the playground. But, about halfway through recess, Kristin, who sits at Henry's home table came up to us (me, Odile and Tracy another parent) and told us that*Bn wasn't being nice to Henry. I thought they were o.k. at first. But, it turns out that Henry wasn't running with*Bn he was running after him. He was trying to get his friend, the guy he had spent 20 plus recesses with, to play with him again.
Turns out,*Bn was now "with" this other kid Marcus Chavez. They were really the ones playing together. They were running away from Henry. They were actively excluding him. And it made me so sad to watch Henry trying to run after them. The teacher and I talked to Henry and tried to explain to him that*Bn just wasn't in the mood to play with him today. And at first he seemed o.k. He played around for the rest of the recess but, when recess was over that's when it happened. It's one of those moments that I will never forget as long as I live.
Odile called all the kids to get in line. Henry tried to get his usual spot behind*Bn and I saw*Bn push him away and tell Henry that Marcus was there now. And I watched as Henry started to walk to the back of the line, he put his hands to his face, and he started to cry.
At that point, I went to my boy, picked him up and carried him. I was glad I was there for him but, I was also so angry inside - like a tigress protecting her cub angry. It took everything within me not to just throttle that kid for hurting my boy so bad. Seriously. I was shaking inside.
We got through the rest of the day o.k. Henry sat with me at the library after recess and he was still kinda crying. At circle time, he didn't sit with*Bn but, I noticed him watching him. *Bn did show some concern. He asked me why Henry was crying and I told him that Henry was hurt but, that it was o.k for*Bn to have other friends. (Though, deep down inside, I wanted to go all banshee on that kid. I wanted to tell him, "He's crying because you hurt him. It's you're fault! You made my boy love you and then you stomped all over his heart. It's your fault!!")
Thankfully, when we got home there was a message from Caroline asking to see if Henry wanted to play with her son Kahler. Henry's known Kahler since they were 11 months old. We've been playing phone tag for weeks! Caroline took them to the park and Henry played the rest of the afternoon with his good friend.
Today also happened to be our Parent-Teacher Conference day. After Henry left with Caroline and Kahler, Matt came home for lunch and we got ready to go to the Parent-Teacher Conference. I told Matt what happened today, and I started to cry. I tried to cry it all out but, as soon as we got into the classroom and Odile brought it up. I started to cry again. She reiterated what she said that this is just a developmental thing. That*Bn is almost 6 and is ready to explore new friendships. That this is all a part of Kindergarten, of social learning..That Henry will get over this. She said that*Bn has actually dealt with this better than some kids. He hasn't been physically or emotionally abusive to Henry at all. She said that*Bn is having a hard time too because he likes Henry, Henry is still his friend, but, he just want to have more socialinteractionn than just Henry. And I know she's right. And I know he will be o.k. But, it still hurt, and what worse is I don't know how long it's still going to hurt Henry. I don't want this to stick with him. I don't want it to scar him. I hope it won't 
On the good side of this, Odile said Henry is very bright and is excelling in school. He's one of two kids in the entire class who has successfully completed all the homework so far. She said that Henry's reading ability just "blew her away." He just whizzes through the books without even having to sound out the words! He's needs a little help with phonics but, other than that he's progressing very well. He is an amazing creative kid who draws elaborate pictures during journal time. Our kids is great!
I have so many feelings going through me right now. I don't know if the answer that kids are just developing is enough of an answer for me. I don't know. It's just not fair! I feel like Henry got gipped. It seems to me like*Bn has the tendency to sort of glom onto one person and treat that person like they are the world. He did this to Henry. He made himself Henry's world and then in a blink of an eye he took Henry's world away. I don't think that's fair. Part of me wants to tell Henry to never talk to that boy again for fear that he will hurt him again. I give*Bn rides to school on Monday and part of me just want to tell his parents I don't want to pick him up anymore. But, that just wouldn't be right. It's just so hard to watch Henry get hurt and to not be able to fix it . He's always been such a happy kid and to see someone who is naturally happy and excited about life get totaled like that, to see my child get totaled like that makes me rage inside. Don't worry, I'm not letting Henry see all this. He hasn't seen me cry on his behalf. He has no idea I feel this way. The last thing I want is my boy to worry about my feelings. Tomorrow is another day. Matt and I plan to just give Henry more encouragement in the coming weeks, to stand by him and let him know that whatever happens his family and his home will always be here for him . That's the best we can do...
And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you...
0 comments:
Post a Comment